Freedom From The Critical Spirit Part 2:Taking Account
For some of us who have been through unusual suffering in our early years, we can certainly be blind to how much of a problem this actually is. It becomes almost second nature to expect disappointment before the fact and evolve until cynicism is our lens through which we view the whole of our life and relationships. These ones are the ones who’s pursuit of a greater quality of life has left them disillusioned and our cynicism becomes a protective guard against false hopes and disappointments. If I’m already discouraged before hand I won’t have to experience the pain of unmet expectations. This way of living can at times be quite obvious but for others, a harsh, depressed outlook on life is so normal that they know nothing else.
The elements which contribute to a critical spirit are actually multi-faceted. Previously we talked about how understanding God’s compassion toward us in the process of coming out of areas of weakness and habitual sin contributes to the liberty of the critical person. Now I want to talk about beginning to feel pain. For the critical person this is the beginning of feeling anything really, as they do not let there hopes up to often and at the same time avoid pain at all costs. For most of us we feel a little pain, though it may seem overwhelming at first.
But the truth is that even though we may experience some sadness and pain, it is a dull, lesser than experience. It isn’t full. We allow a little to trickle out here and there but never touch the bottom of our pain. There is never one large moment of tears over the loss of unmet hopes, what God intended us to have in life, parts of us fractured because of another, or full awareness of the wound and perpetrator. The normal accusation against people who talk about their pain often is that they need to “Just forgive”. But this isn’t the problem. The problem is they have no one, no where, no courage and no idea how to get in touch with the pain. The reason they often reach out to others is because they need others. Venting sometimes can seem annoying to us and a downer. These types of people are, well, not the most enjoyable people to go to the zoo with.
The title of this blog is taking account. Which is court language for declaring guilty the offending party. Practically it simply looks like observing the wound and the wounder, declaring it unjust. The simple reason we are critical is because we have an iceberg underneath our hearts of moments when we never fully and thoroughly took an account, though every one else listening to us may think so. But if you are still venting… you haven’t done this yet.
I want to approach this a little closer. venting is actually not, taking account. It is a plea. As well as a manifestation of self-hatred. We do not value ourselves, and the kicking and screaming after an offense is NOT because we believe we have value and believe what they did was wrong. It is because we believe we do NOT have value and we are yearning for someone to tell us what they did was wrong (because we don’t really believe it yet want to) so that we can believe we mean something. We pull on others to tell us we have some value, and that that was not right; thus telling us that we are valuable people. Someone please tell me that was wrong! Someone please tell me I’m worth something more! So while taking account delivers us from a critical spirit toward life, it also is reconciliation with ourselves, telling ourselves you a worthy person and what they did to you really mattered. Thus turning this person away and accusing them of bitterness says, “Your accusations in your mind are right, it didn’t matter, just get over it”.
I actually believe in venting, If your my friend, you know this. But for the wounded, this is a call to take responsibility for your wounds. It means we have to be focused and systematic in releasing the years of pain from our hearts. We make a sacred space and carve our time where we are going to let the Spirit of Christ bring up into our conscious awareness suppressed pain and begin to feel. As well as forming a group of a few friends to actually talk to you about the pain, who will legitimize it, apologize for it, and not accuse the opening of your heart. Ones who will tell you, you are more valuable than what happened and will waste their time on you, mourning with those who mourn.
For me being a man and just being myself I tend to suppress pain rather than deal with it until it “hits empty”. I am one of those ones who vent around and let it trickle out here and there but never dump out. What this means for me is that I stop letting it “trickle out” through various conversations here and there to various people and get a plan to fully dump it out with a few. Dealing with suppressed pain is more difficult though. This is because you never know when you will really feel it deeply, and you normally need a trigger. Which means this process will interrupt YOUR life and the lives of the people around you. I normally have a journal in my backpack and stop whatever I’m doing when I start to feel pain deeply. If it isn’t deeply felt I will let myself feel it but won’t deal as intentionally with it. These moments are portals of freedom. Pick a couple friends to rotate with when it starts to come up, though I do not always go to others. Now becomes the lifestyle of experiencing your pain.
Journaling must be explicit and honest and violent. I cannot be plastic christian.We need to get in touch with what needs to be forgiven, what has hurt us, in order to not let it become a source of deep ongoing distress. We must begin to feel the heart’s legitimate response to the wounding. God wants us to get in touch with with our emotional reactions to those who have hurt us and honestly offer up those hurts to him. Our God is a God of truth and light, not of the darkness of denial. It has to be raw and real or this will not work. But over times long and small you will begin to “dump it all out”.
The light at the end of the tunnel, the reward for all of this is beautiful. A heart still tender after years, and a life full of joy, meaningful relationships, and the strength to walk the sermon on the mount. For some in the prayer movement they hear the call to wholehearted and shrink back. We hear the call for fasting, prayer, study of the word, and radical lifestyles of obedience and long for it. But actually have no ability to do it and often hate ourselves for this. And like I said previously Jesus has compassion for these ones. Because the reason they can’t is not because they are rebellious, hypocritical, or lazy even though that is what they think. The reason is because of the abnormal amounts of pain inside which block motivation to do anything but get by. Yes, they literally can’t.
Thus the fruit of releasing your pain is the increase of joy, motivation in life, and a clean atmosphere in you mind and heart to actually pray. To actually do your schedule. to actually read your bible. It is a beautiful thing when you stop hating your self for your inability to do these things because of the overwhelming pain (which you hate yourself for having), pour it out at a steady pace, and begin to be empowered in you whole life. Strength comes back in again, and hope resurges. In conclusion: Take account for what has been stolen from you and your broken image.
Take aways:
1. Stop reading the bible if you start to get triggered, give yourself to the moment, don’t talk immediately, breath, and then journal
2. Get three trusted, safe friends: to reach out to who understand you need in this time. Vent in a semi-controlled way, cry, silence
3. Start with your parents: this is a deep well of pain form most, when this is released you will be dramatically empowered.
4. avoid striving: if you feel pain give yourself to it but if your heart isn’t getting triggered do not try to meditate on pain to get it to.
Learning to take our pain to others, and truly feel it is an art worth learning and making mistakes. Next we will talk about forgiveness and how these empower us to be free from judgment.
King David vented, but it was to the Lord. I think your right, that it is neccesary to be able to share things with people when you have no power on your own to get you through. But there is a place of intimacy with the Lord that only you and He can touch, it is in that lonliness that can be only cured by knowing Him and going first to Him. I think it is important that you emphasise that more becasue it can be too easy for us to try to fill that loneliness with human affection, which has its place, but cannot, will not, allow you to fully mature in the end. I think your thought about not having a critical spirit is good but incomplete. There may be situations in life that the Lord calls one to weep with Him who was despised and rejected and find strength in the acceptace of the Father and the obedience of love inspite of other’s hatred. I am not sure I fully agree that venting is always the answer. And maybe the answer is not to just put down the bible and focus on what is bugging you but to read it and actually believe what it says.
You are an awesome writer and teacher!
Hello Emmanuel!
Pre-requisite to coming to these blogs there has to be a mindset that says, “I physically need God’s people… desperately”. Some people are more in touch with it than others. I personally went on a long journey to get to this point of accepting that my loneliness is actually a people problem. Even biblically God opens the stunning narrative of creation highlighting the beauty of creation dependent upon itself and needing itself deeply.
Adam was found perfect yet alone. And substantially, alone. Now I used to be one of those great advocates and sometimes even harsh advocates, that Only God can satisfy. All my friends can tell me how hard I pressed consecration and devotion and can witness to the piety I displayed to them. But quite honestly as noble and honorable that sounds, it simply isn’t the biblical answer to loneliness. The biblical answer to loneliness is clearly man. And there a significant emotional parts of man which can only be healed By God in context to relationships, as he reconciles, restores, and reunites His creation with itself.
The “only God can satisfy” worship song sounds great and noble but it is actually highly gnostic, and very unbiblical. It works great for people like me who love to hide in “spirituality” to make up for all of their social and relational inadequacies and disfunctionality. To divide creation from your spirituality is so binding as well. Meaning, when we make a fundamental dualism between “God” and “God’s works” we will deeply misunderstand God at many levels. A biblical spirituality does not set God up and against your relationships. As if there is this great battle in the soul over people and God.
Another large question to look at is what do you mean by “God”? and how did ancient Israel encounter this God? I promise you they had no personal bible to go and pray-read in there room hours a day. So then how did they “love God”? They loved God by relating to the community in the way in which God prescribed, enjoying life and one another within the instruction of the torah. Their spirituality was almost entirely communal. Worship. Oral tradition. They simply worked, had families, and were religious. They encountered God within his creation not without it, detached from it, all “in the soul”. Yahweh was related to through relating to His beautiful creation.
Well I don’t have time to go on anymore but we can talk about it some other time, in conclusion:
- I believe Intimacy with God in pain is precious. I believe this intimacy is limited when your alone.
- I am advocating exactly that you fill your loneliness with human affection. It is the biblical answer
- Human affection has a more grandiose need and nitch than to simply, said to “have it’s place… but”
- My thoughts on having a critical spirit are a series, I’m aware their incomplete
- I think “bugging you” is a little demeaning. I’m talking about a fractured soul not flippancy.
no venting is not always the answer nor is it the only answer, it is simply one of my articles on becoming free from a critical spirit.
Yes we do need each other, I know God made that way and even Adam having perfect communion with God was incomplete until Eve. But now, in the human situation today, being reconciled to God is of primer importance because how we relate to one another is actually contingent upon how we relate to God. That is not to say that loving God first then makes human interaction less necessary because His great commandment is to “love your neighbor as you love yourself.” I wasn’t saying that we don’t need to have people to help walk us through to maturity, that is what discipleship is. I was pointing out that there are two sides to the coin, and after reading your post again I think I see what you are saying more clearly, (I am having trouble following the line of thought, maybe because I cannot find which one of your posts is the first part of the series, perhaps it clarifies all of this).
What I am trying to say is that the horizontal relationships will never be healing ones if there is not the pre-requisite of the recognition of the desperate need all humanity has for God alone. But that should be the assumed posture of simply being a Christian (and I am sure is the premise of your life and clear in your previous post which I have not yet taken time to read).
God has ordained that the ones who are poor in spirit can be reconciled to Him and one of the main ways that happens is through people who are His ambassadors; the lost are reconciled to Him through the ministering of the gospel and the saints are brought closer to Him through things like confession.
I like your whole concept of venting in general, that it needs to be focused, and the fruit of it is actually to be reconciled to God in your anger. It is important also though that the person venting and the ones chosen to vent to realize that vindication comes only from the Most High, and your deliverance from being wronged only has fulfillment in the day of the Lord. Maybe that is your part three. Let’s also be careful that venting does become complaining.
The only biblical examples I can think of that resemble “venting” for being wronged are when people cry to the LORD for justice. Man can point you to healing in Him and that is the way He ordained for us to repent of anger, but justice comes from Him. I am thinking of Jeremiah and David mostly. Also the children of Israel vented to God when they were in bondage. Thus the biblical answer to being wronged is answering evil with good and knowing that the LORD will judge.
8 Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; 9 not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing. 10 For “ He who would love life And see good days, Let him refrain his tongue from evil, And his lips from speaking deceit. 1 Peter 3:8-10. C.f. Matt 5:21-26, 38-42.
Therefore, I want to say I like your post and agree; but I would like to add that the real root of bitterness is an incomplete worldview and the lack of the belief that someone really will repay those who wrong you, thus the response is repentance/ a turning to trust in the living God who gives to each one according to their deeds; and it requires the washing of the mind with the truth of the word of God. So pick up your bible when you feel like venting and do not put it down till you believe it.
Did I saying something about being bugged? I probably should not use sarcasm in text messages becasue even when I try to use it in person people read me wrong. I appologize.
Well one thing you may have a hard time with is that I believe that being loved by another human being is an end in itself, that it is not always unto “God”. If it is always unto “God” (our ontological definition of a being who is a-historical, a-circumstantial, a-terrestrial and all that comes with this narrow almost impossible epistemology of God), then why would we even bother?
If there is only minor, non-substantial, need for human emotional connection then why would we ever bother going there? If you had one button that said, “push me for ten dollars”, and another which said, “push me for 100,000 dollars, we would end up never, ever pushing the lesser button. In the same way if our need for human intimacy is acknowledged to be there, yet not very substantial, we would only ever go to “God” since he is “better”. This is actually exactly how dualisms are formed.
My relationships are not “unto” “God”. They are valuable without anything else. My relationships aren’t only so that I can love “God” more and see what he is like. This would cause me to never give myself emotionally to my relationships. I would never allow myself to enjoy them. I would be completely disassociated from them internally.
Even if I keep up all the smiles. I would never ever deeply drink from them. I would keep myself a hearty distance, so as not to allow them to “satisfy” me. and thus they are never enjoyed and God’s glory isn’t seen and I cannot love him to the most. Without being fully and deeply emotionally connected to creation, allowing ourselves to enjoy it we will not fully enjoy his personality and the beauty of the divine artist. Our worship will be drastically shriveled.
This view were people are unto this concept of “God” can actually make us very disconnected, shallow people with others. “I wasn’t saying that we don’t need to have people to help walk us through to maturity, that is what discipleship is.” To this i say that I believe that people aren’t just to help us walk through “Maturity”. They are needed by themselves. And God likes it that way. He made it that way. Now if your an atheist you will destroy and rip each other apart to get your need met. where as christian wait for voluntary love. Thats the difference. The presence of God in the earth makes all the difference.
In conclusion:
1. In order to read the posts and understand you cannot be gnostic
2. I have to be able to talk about something important without saying 10,000 justifiers. (though I did talk about our view of God being a aspect of freedom in my previous post. Joshuarainwater.wordpress.com)
3. Humanity does not need “God alone”, at least in the way your meaning. in my opinion.
4. yes needing God is an assumed posture.
5. I don’t believe people are here simply to reconcile us to “God” who is really the only thing that matters. (bottom analogy)
6. I do not believe venting your anger and pain to others is only “unto “God”". I think the person matters. The fruit of it is the freedom of the person. and that actually matters. it isn’t just unto “God”. the end of human suffering just matters to God.
7. Vindication is not the reason for venting that I have given.
8. David cried out for God to be his salvation Today. It does not ONLY have fulfillment then.
9. “being careful that your venting doesn’t become complaining”- the way you have been tip-toeing and very cautious about giving yourself to needing genuine emotional connection with others, experiencing your pain simply because your important to God/others, and becoming authentically connected with the earth shows a very gnostic, hyper-individualistic, greek spirituality. Probably derived from your perception of the mystics, where it’s all about God within the soul. This is a tremendous low view of people and creation and a distinct dualism. This concept of Loving God and spirituality is close to entirely separate from the earth.
10. Healing is not only in “Him”. there is much of who we are that cannot be healed no matter how many quiet times we have, no matter how much sit in the prayer room, and no matter how much we pour out our soul in prayer because they are healed In society. Healing can come through the people of God. If all my friends when I shared my pain with them told, “oh, well let me just lead you to “Him”". I wouldn’t be friends with them anymore, I’ll tell you that. there not safe.
11. If you pick up your bible when you feel like venting you will get bitter and hard and won’t believe what the bible says. You will push your pain down like it does not matter, and will never deal with your problems. Better do the bible and pour out your soul than read it in these moments. This depicts a quite harsh God who doesn’t care for what happens to your emotions in life, you just need to suck it up because you deserve hell and God gave you mercy. Just read your bible, no venting. I don’t want to hear it, i hate complaining.